Image copyright Deep Silver 2013
The Hallowe’en season is always a fright-fest. There’s the usual mix of scary movies that are released beforehand (2017’s offering’s included Happy Death Day and Jigsaw), as well as an ever-growing supermarket presence (here in the UK, it almost seemed like a competition between the main supermarket chains to have the best costumes-to-advert ration). Then we have the Trick-or-Treaters that frequent your homes on the night (shout out to the seven kids who came over to my girlfriend’s house and were greeted by me in a Day of the Dead inspired ensemble!).
But the heart and soul of Hallowe’en for us nerds is the chance to play horror games…or scary games…or truly awful games.
You’ve read the excerpt, you’ve noticed the title. I bet you can guess which of those three types of games we’ve got this week.
Just a note, I need to prepare myself mentally and physically for this review as it stands as the WORST game I have ever played, and I’ve been a gamer for two decades!
Okay, James, here we go…
Back in 2013, Deep Silver published an action-adventure game dominated by motorbikes, sex, hard-hitting heroes, and greasy bad-guys; Ride to Hell: Retribution.
It sounds so much better than it actually is, believe me.
The game was originally announced back in 2008 but was cancelled shortly thereafter – why it ever got the green-light but WWE Brawl is still cancelled I’ll never know!
You play Vietnam war veteran Jake Conway who returns home to his family of bikers and tries to settle back into civilian life.
After a series of events play out which results in your whiny brother getting killed by a rival motorcycle gang right in front of you, and you receive a bullet for your troubles.
The game could have ended there and the world would be a nicer place. But it didn’t.
You survive the bullet and swear your revenge on the rival gang with your trusted motorbike in tow.
The usual revenge story plays out as you aim to take down the gang members, corrupt police officers, and general thugs one-by-one.
You meet and “seduce” numerous women throughout the game – from prostitutes who have an axe to grind with your victims to your neighbouring vixen – and for saving them from the bad guys, you get rewarded with the most awkward looking pixellated sex scenes this side of San Andreas’ infamous Hot Coffee mod.
Seriously. If you find these scenes in any way arousing, you need help. Professional help. Now.
Aside from the obvious anti-feminist and misogynistic nature of the lead character, there’s very little about Jake Conway that connects him to players (for better or worse). He’s just…there.
How the Hell you manage to make a motorcycle riding, revenge seeking, war veteran seem bland and boring is beyond me, but Deep Silver managed it.
The graphics alone would be enough to make this game awful, but it’s a culmination of the broken gameplay, awful controls, and generally terrible character representation that makes it one of the worst games ever.
The gameplay typically focuses on you riding your motorbike along dirt-tracks and dusty roads, taking enemies out and dodging obstacles through powerslides, stunts, and general bike riding to reach the end of the run.
There are a few beat-em-up segments that include overly naff punching segments with arms that are disastrously deformed and weapons – in the form of wrenches, chains etc. – that cause minimal damage at best.
You get a chance to explore an “open-world” area at times, which is as far from being open as physically possible. But there are pimps who you can beat up or work with, and every good game needs a pimp or two…of course.
When EGM reviewed the game, they stated how;
“Other games may have offered less content for more money or come up shorter in specific, individual areas, but I don’t think there’s ever been a game that does so many things so universally poorly.”
I agree, as despite how much I hate this game, I only paid £15 for the privilegeBi.
Game Informer‘s Dan Ryckert called it a;
“Hideous, slapped-together action game saturated with poor, nonsensical design choices”
And then gave it a meagre 1/10, making it only the second game in Game Informer‘s history to achieve such a low score (the first was Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing, in case you were wondering).
So, universally panned by critics and gamers, hated for its portrayal of women, and somehow manages to make motorcycle gangs seems dull. Is there anything Ride to Hell: Retribution achieves?
Nope, I still can’t find anything to praise about the game.
Even the title is uninspired.
Yeah, I’ve got nothing.
If you enjoy torturing yourself, by all means, track it down on Steam or Last-Gen consoles. I would really recommend (or rather, Wrecommend) you don’t, not that I’m not really keen on forcing you to think something, of course.
Nerd Rating; 1/10 – only because I can’t give a 0! If you want an action game driven by revenge, try Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance – which coincidentally, was also released in 2013 but looks years younger aesthetically! If you want a good game featuring a motorbike gang, try 2009’s GTA IV: The Lost and the Damned. If you want to sample the absolute worst that a video game can provide, then try Ride to Hell: Retribution, but do so at your peril. WTNH takes no responsibility for a waste of time playing this game and it is strongly advised that, even if it’s available for free, you politely decline purchasing it. I tell you this, because I care.
If you like this, try: a full frontal lobotomy.